Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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