Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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