so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
