Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
