I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
