need another drink. this is the easiest way
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
