gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
