that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
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in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
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The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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