he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
