Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
