Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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