I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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