Please, let me fuck your mom
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
