All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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