I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
