By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
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Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
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My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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