if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
