I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
