My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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