You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
