The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
