Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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