it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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