My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Alive.
So much puke
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
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