It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We're too hungover to prance.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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