Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
