Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
