mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
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Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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