Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
