No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
