Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
