did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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