i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
