I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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