I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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