I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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