I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
