I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
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