She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Everything about him screamed your future.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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