Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
