were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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