dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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