Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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