The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i wish my penis had a tongue
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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