And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm getting married
To pizza
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
