I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
