Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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