Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
