question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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