I just pynch a tree in the face
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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