why do cheetos always look like penises
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
