dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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