I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Randomize
