update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
