And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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