Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
