Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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