I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
