I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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