I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
