I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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