So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
