I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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