I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
