just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
