I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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