Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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