Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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